If your mom is anything like mine, chances are her ‘mom brain’ deleted a few of the horrifying facts…let’s just be honest…ALL of the horrifying facts.
While I was waddling around acting as a human punching bag for the wee child, my mom was studying pregnancy websites and wondering why she ‘never had my symptoms’. It was baffling to her, really. How could I sweat so much while she simply glowed? What did I mean, my lady parts were on the verge of falling out? She only floated on a cloud during her pregnancy with me.
But seriously?? Being pregnant sucked. And being a mom is terrifying. I am two months in, and this is what I’ve learned so far:
1. Babies cry. Like, a lot. As in, the world is coming to an end and my child is the one bearing all of the tortuous events, singlehandedly.
2. Poo is projectile. It can, and will, shoot at you if you don’t wait to change the diaper until after the second blow. Sometimes third.
3. Getting baby dressed will give you a better workout than your actual workout. And really, what’s the point? You’re just going to have to change her once she pukes all over herself or craps all the way up her back to her stinking hairline.
4. Babies puke. Like, a lot. Sometimes it’s a little spit-up, and sometimes Niagara Falls will visit your living room.
5. You will never watch a movie again. The TV will be on all day, and sometimes you will change the channel for better viewing pleasure, but pleasure is a thing of the past. Yet you will keep trying. Those people who tell you that you will have time to watch endless seasons of every show to ever exist? They are dirty liars.
6. Babies do not nap. At least mine doesn’t. She will fight to keep those huge eyes open, exhaustion be damned. I get it, kid; something spectacular that you’ll forget about two seconds later might happen in the same exact room you spend every minute of your life. Which leads right back to point number one. Babies cry. A lot.
7. Free time ceases to exist. If you’re lucky enough to have a baby who naps, kudos to you and your free time. But I was sorely misguided when I fantasized about the time I’d have to clean house, make healthy dinners, exercise, and get going on that writing career of mine. Most days I eat whatever I can grab, get my only exercise from changing the baby’s clothes, and stare longingly at a blank Word document while I don’t watch whatever is on TV.
8. You become a human Hoover. I do not remember what food tastes like. Most of my lunches are built between running back and forth from kitchen to living room to make sure my child has not suddenly learned to leap over the side of her sleeper and crawl to freedom beyond the walls of the apartment. I eat faster than a dog.
9. Breastfeeding is all-consuming. Everyone told me about the incredible bond I’d feel the first time I breastfed. That part was true. But once we were home and I could no longer wear a convenient hospital gown, it seemed I was feeding my kid so much, I would be better off walking around topless at all times. If the whole leaking thing wasn’t a concern, this would be my existence. Naked.
10. Your baby will make you a liar. You see, all of the above is reserved just for you. The mom. When you enter the public eye, your child will turn into a happy, bubbling, cooing angel whose poo stays neatly packaged inside her diaper. She will not cry, she will sleep on command, and everyone will judge you for being exhausted because, clearly, you are wrong.
And you know what? You will still love her with all you’ve got.